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Scottish Executive to outlaw medieval weaponry

The Scottish Executive has outlined new proposals as part of its clampdown on the so-called "weapons culture". Under the new laws, the sale of historical ballistic weaponry will be banned, except through government-licenced dealers.

"It'll make our life easier," said Constable Damage, of Lothian and Borders Police. "We get rocks, bottles, benches, you name it, chucked at us when we're out on the street. It's getting hard to enjoy a good riot these days. Imagine what the G8 Summit would have been like if the Wombles had brought trebuchets."

Special Branch agrees. "We were responsible for the safety of some of the world's most important people," said a spokesman, "and we only had a wire fence. Siege engines could have caused a real problem."

And it's not just the police who have concerns, with this increased access to pre-Rennaissance battlefield technology. Fire Departments have long had difficulties in some of the rougher areas of Glasgow, where arsonists start fires, and then lie in wait to attack the emergency services when they arrive. One fireman, who declined to be named, said, "For God's sake, get that microphone out of my face! That building's on fire!" But we're sure that he'd be worried about going into a tower-block if there were some neds on the roof, pouring boiling oil down on him.

Historical enthusiasts are unhappy with the proposals, however. Clarence Hampton, 19, a bespectacled student who also goes by the name of "Lord Ironwielder the Third", would find his live-action fantasy-gaming activities curtailed, if he could find anyone else to play with him. "It's ridiculous," he whinged. "You don't need any new laws. Da Vinci's super-crossbow is already covered by international arms-reduction treaties, and its bolts come under aviation legislation during flight, so these new proposals are pointless. Besides," he added, "it doesn't work. Oh, and the new Doctor Who rocks!"
Tags: swords
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